


Finding Hope

by Anake14



Category: James Bond (Craig movies)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, I don't know how to tag~, M/M, romance of a sort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-11
Updated: 2018-01-11
Packaged: 2019-03-03 10:14:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 5,496
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13339107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anake14/pseuds/Anake14
Summary: James contemplates things with Q...if only he could put a name to it. Q contemplates his habit of letting James into his home, his life, after he returns from missions. He doesn’t know where it’s going or what it is, but he wonders if he even has a chance.





	1. 3:00 AM

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing James Bond. Quite literally, I don’t even have the movies despite loving the franchise.
> 
> A/N: So this was largely inspired by the songs 3:00 AM, Midnight Colors, Love, Loveless, Paths, and Without You, not in that order, by a band called Finding Hope. I'm supposed to be doing schoolwork. *whistles innocently* I'm gonna leave this here and go do that now.

It’s 3 in the morning and James is still awake. In his own bed for once, not out on a mission updating Q-branch or even at Q’s place. He wonders if a mission might not be better or if he’d be just as distracted there as he is now, maybe more so because Q’s voice would actually be in his ear. 3 AM and he’s stuck thinking about his Quartermaster, his lover. It’s not the first time and James most certainly doubts it will be the last.

Thinking back, James can’t help but remember how things had started out between them. It had started with little things. James would swagger into Q-Branch with a smirk and report a lack of weapons or bring back his weapons in more pieces than they had been in to begin with, Q would berate him, they would trade banter, James would escape MI6 and avoid medical. Any communication between the two slowly evolved from sass, sarcasm, and dry wit into something that rivaled flirting. Eventually, James began bringing back gifts, little knick-knacks from wherever he was, be that exotic teas, some touristy item, or even foreign snacks he would smuggle past customs.

Their first kiss was spontaneous, a spur of the moment decision that silenced the Quartermaster and let him escape Q-branch to return to the hotel he was staying at and patch up his wounds himself. The stroppy Quartermaster had chased after him, followed him to the hotel, and caught up to him outside his room door, giving him a brutal kiss before James could even open the door or carry out any other plans.

Somehow they made it work. They would fight, they would fuck, and they would go to work without mentioning a thing between them. They’d done it quite a few times, but James couldn’t help but want more. Not that they had had that discussion. James was under the impression that talking about whatever it is they have would be the end of their almost relationship.

Still, he couldn’t help but think of what they could be, of how much he’s truly come to care for Q and the despair that for once he might be the passing flight of fancy. He ached at the thought that Q might not actually want a relationship or more, that he might not feel the same, that he’s using him as a way to pass the time and will eventually move on with someone else once the novelty of having been with James Bond wears off.

What would Q do then? Would he still care for James at least in the capacity of having built some sort of friendship or would he only keep up appearances as the Quartermaster and treat James as the tool he knows MI6 treats all 00s?

James half wishes Q would bring it up and be the first to talk, and just tell him what this is and how they can make it work out. A mutual discussion to finally settle any doubts or fears and establish clear boundaries…but then could they get any clearer? Neither of them acted like it was anything so maybe that was an answer in and of itself. He also can’t help but think that if he found a way to make it work it would be nothing like any of his previous relationships. If he gave in and let himself wholly fall for Q, his love wouldn’t stray.

He wonders what it would take to ask Q for a chance. James had never been the one to put himself on that level, to be the one to ask for the chance to be in the other person’s life and make something permanent, but for a chance to tell Q of his emotions and how much he needs him?

That might be worth taking the chance, the risk, of giving the last vestiges of his heart, of his broken soul.

The question remains, could he ask that of Q? Could he tell the younger man that he’s been lying awake, thinking of him, and wanting more of him? Ask him to tie himself to a broken man? Could he ask if Q wanted more and was here to stay or if this was something just in the passing like every fling he’s thrown himself into for a mission?

  
James falls asleep to thoughts of a different life and falls into dreams where he and Q have more and he could freely talk to Q without any hesitation or doubt.


	2. Love

Q is still awake. In his own bed for once and not running a mission in Q-branch, but he wonders if that wouldn’t be better. 3 AM and he’s stuck thinking about 007, James Bond. It’s not the first time and Q doubts that it will be the last given James’ propensity for trouble and the ill advised almost-relationship they seemed to have going. 

He remembers the rough start in front of The Fighting Temeraire, the banter that would set a precedent for their interactions. The requests James would make that were almost unreasonable, but Q could arguably see the logic in his reasoning, the training and years of James’ experiences along with his quick thinking to effectively put himself into the enemy’s train of thought. Somehow the loss of his equipment a reasonable loss in the wake of collateral damage and the beginnings of trust that James could believe that some people in MI6 would trust him and he could rely on them. 

As communication evolved into something resembling flirting and James started bringing back gifts, Q assumed it was the beginning of a friendship…well, a flirtationship, but it was nice to be flirted with, to have someone treat him as desirable, even if it was someone he could never have, would never dream of tying down into a relationship. 007 was infamous, love them and leave them, one night stands on every mission, maybe a bit of an alcoholic, psychologically not the most stable, but his coping mechanisms could be much worse…who is Q kidding, the man has suicidal tendencies written into every mission report with every risk he takes.

Somehow Q hadn’t been able to help himself and had to go and fall for James. He had thought maybe after the first time it would be enough. It wasn’t. Even now, after months of continuing whatever this is, it still isn’t enough…and he still can’t tell James that he loves him. 

Of course he can’t tell James. He can’t even get the words “I love you” to stop from choking in the back of his throat. He doesn’t know if they have a friendship at all, but if they are friends Q wishes for more. He wishes that James would want them to be more than friends too.

Q snorts. He can barely tell James of his appreciation for his sense of style and the way he dresses…damn those fine tailored bespoke suits…

He idly wonders how James hasn’t caught on yet. James can be oddly observant about some things and yet somehow completely clueless about others. Q isn’t sure how James hasn’t noticed that he wants more, it’s in the smiles Q tries to hide, the tenderness and affection Q gives him when they are alone, it’s in the way he mouths the words he can’t say against James skin, and Q is sure the question is almost always in his eyes.

When will they stop playing pretend?

At the same time, it’s dangerous. Q knows how precarious their relationship is, he can lose James at any time. James, a 00 agent infamous for trysts, who could have anyone he wants…and why would he choose _Q_? Why would he choose a man he regularly teases about age and hobbies?

No. It’s far more likely that when James makes up his mind it won’t be to let Q in, but to turn him away. James would never accept Q’s love and once he turned Q away, Q couldn’t be certain that anything would be alright. 

The thing that Q avoids thinking about is that James _is_ a 00 agent, one of the most effective agents in fact. If James decides he doesn’t want Q they wouldn’t even have to see each other, James could easily make that decision half way around the world on a mission and just drop off the grid. James could fake his death and move on. Q would blame himself and never know what happened to James. 

The worst part isn’t even that Q wouldn’t know. The worst part is Q knows he can’t keep chasing after him. He knows that he wouldn’t be allowed to keep seeking out James, especially if the trackers went offline. 

It doesn’t even top the niggling doubts Q has, because what if James _doesn’t_ feel the same way? In that case James would be entirely out of Q’s reach, he wouldn’t be able to keep chasing after him at all, if only to try and protect his heart from repeated rejection.

Q could end it. Logically, Q knew it would hurt regardless because he is already attached, but he _could_ end it. He would get his answer if James decides he isn’t worth chasing after. It would end the constant state of uncertainty. He would have proof of James feelings, whether that be that he loves Q, is willing to chase after him, or doesn’t value Q the same way Q does him.

But what if by doing that Q hurts James?

He doesn’t want to hurt James, he knows James history from his files, and he knows the gossip from MI6. He knows James has been hurt by love and could he really do that to James just to find out?

No. He couldn’t. He loves James too much to risk hurting him even in an attempt to learn about James feelings. Q also knows it is far more likely that James will let him go, believing that Q is better off without him anyway. Damn.

Idly, he wonders if maybe he could make something that would act as a substitute. He can’t tell James he loves him, but maybe he could make something that would act as a symbol of his love?

His mind was already coming up with designs, but…none of those were good enough. He turned on his side. It looks like sleep would elude him tonight as well.


	3. Midnight Colors

James and Q were in bed together again. The slick glide of skin on skin, the vulnerability, the feeling of connection, but something was different this time. Q could see it in James’ eyes, he was pulling away.

Q closed his and clawed at James’ back, clinging harder, unwilling to let him go just yet. Biting marks into his collar bones, mouthing words James couldn’t, wouldn’t, hear into his skin and trying to make the moment last a little bit longer…trying to make James feel the way he does.

Q knew it wouldn’t be enough. He had always been lonely. He grew up a genius surrounded by people who didn’t understand him. He grew up being misunderstood by the people he cared for, yet somehow he had been blessed from the moment M and Q, the M and Q that he knew James had held, still held, in high regard, had found him. Yes, they had found him and given him a chance to be himself, to be himself without reservation or regard to what other people would think. They gave him free reign, let him create and build, and they never treated him like they were humoring him. They held him accountable for his actions.

It’s funny that he had once overheard the two joking about how he and 007 would get along. He doubted either of them would have seen this coming. Or maybe M would have. She seemed to know everything.

The thought sent a pang of regret and longing through him. It hurt to think of them so near the anniversary of their deaths. Even James had run himself into the ground during the latest missions, coming back to Q worn out and exhausted. They didn’t talk about it. James obviously didn’t want to and Q wouldn’t push on the topic.

More and more often Q found himself wishing he knew then what he knows now. He wishes that he knew James Bond, the infamous 007, would throw his life into chaos, that James would challenge him on everything, would be both a patient and demanding lover, would take and rarely give.

Even as his fingertips traced the scars on James body and he watched James silently as he lay beside him, he could let himself see the parts of James that hid beneath the 007 persona. He could see the cracks and flaws James perceived as shameful and tried to hide. The midnight colors did that for Q as much as they lit up the things inside. They lit up things others hid and helped Q make connections. Connections Q sometimes wished would remain hidden away, but he also knows ignorance is not bliss and he knows better.

Q could never find it in himself to go on not knowing, especially when something could be important. Yet, Q could see James pulling away from him. At one point James had stopped sleeping with marks, but Q hadn’t noticed until he started again, well, until he had slept with one just recently. Q could see their relationship dying, even with James right beside him.

Q couldn’t stop it. He knew he couldn’t keep James tethered. He knew James would eventually want someone else, anyone else. Even if his love shown like a beacon while they lay together in the afterglow of sex in a dark room with the barest hints of light coming from outside, he knew his love was well hidden from James.

James had learned to read his emotions through banter and shared moments of chaos, had learned to trust Q to keep him alive, and had even learned what threats were effective against Q. It hurt that James could read so much about him and still couldn’t pick up on his love. Q sincerely doubted James even knew how much Q had changed through the progress of their relationship. He doubted James realized that he ate with more regularity or actually bothered to rest once he started reaching his limits without being dragged away from his work by someone else because if he wasn’t rested he could make a mistake that could get others killed.

Q slowed his breathing and pretended to sleep. He could feel the last pieces of the relationship crumbling into nothing two hours later when James got up. He could hear the rustling of clothes as James dressed, not even bothering to wake him and say goodbye or give him a silent peck on the lips as he had done a few times before.

Q could feel the ache of his heart and the heavy feeling of dread, as James walked down the hallway and unlocked the door. He was hyper aware of the turning of the doorknob and the near silent closing of it.

Silent tears slid from his eyes and fell onto his pillow.

So that’s how it ends, he thinks with a bubbling of hysterical laughter. Without an explanation, without any declaration for what their relationship was, without a declaration of friendship…without even a goodbye.

Q would be professional as always once he was at MI6, but here in his bed, in the apartment where he stayed with his two cats and thought he was making a home with James, just this once he would do something he hadn’t done even when he realized he would likely be alone his whole life after being recruited by MI6 or when M and Q died. He decided it was okay to cry and let go of the sobs he had thought to hold back.


	4. Paths

After leaving Q’s James had driven out of London. The static on the early morning radio gave him time to think. He thought about maybe going and staring at the ashes of Skyfall, debating if that would be symbolic for the ashes he had left behind of whatever relationship he had with Q. He frowned and shook such thoughts away. He had to remain in London in case MI6 called for him after all.

He took the roads through London. He had missed the roads that would lead him either to his place or Q’s a while ago. He couldn’t return anyway, too stubborn and set in his pride to admit that maybe he was making a mistake, that he might be denying both of them what they want. 

No matter how he thought of it, James wasn’t good enough for Q and if he stayed he would destroy him. He would take Q apart and eventually Q would be lost to him like all others he had grown to care for in his life. 

Life felt like a long lonely road, but for once James was willing to deny himself the chance with the person he loves if only to keep Q safe. Safe from himself, from his self-destructive nature, from his tendency to watch as the relationships that matter to him crumble into nothing in his arms. 

The thought, the knowledge, that Q was probably better off without him hurt. James was nothing like he was before though. Vesper had been a selfish love, James let himself be blinded by a woman he felt was similar to him, let himself fall for the image she presented and didn’t bother looking for the secrets he knew she hid from the moment they had sized each other up. M had been a strong female presence in his life, a woman he respected and someone who treated him like an errant child who forced him to consider his actions more closely and to look at a bigger picture. Q had made him a better person in the sense that he wanted to be considerate of Q and protect him even from himself.

When the call came from MI6 James didn’t know how to feel. He had to hand it to Q, the man was nothing but professional as he kitted him out. He didn’t pull him aside and demand explanations or act like a jilted lover. James would almost believe the Quartermaster was the same as usual right down to the “Best of luck, 007” but James did know better. He could see the Quartermaster pulling away where he would normally reach out. Where conversation had once been easy between them, Q stopped talking midway and just waved off the thought, not bothering to finish it, choosing a simple debrief over their usual debate on likely scenarios.

It hurt James to know he was the one to change that. While he would normally be the one to push boundaries and he was the one to pull away and make a point of falling away from Q, he had hoped, maybe they would retain an easy friendship, but Q seemed to revert entirely to the Quartermaster persona of cool and calculated logic.

007’s mission took him to the outskirts of Bolivia, where he was stuck waiting. Waited for the mark to appear and waited to report to Q-branch or receive new orders from Q-branch. It wasn’t all bad of course, Madidi National Park was quite lovely this time of year and the area provides excellent coverage for him in the event things don’t go as planned.

Still, James could easily admit that while he had thought the mission would help provide the distance he needed to help himself get over Q, all he could feel was disappointment as he looked into the wild blue sky. Refocusing his attention, he could see the mark and took the shot from his position in the tree line. He waited a few minutes before dropping down and blending in with a group of tourists hiking the trail.

James mind kept turning back to Q. Even as he reported back the success of the mission to Q-branch and received details about his return as he drank scotch, he thought about what it would be like to return home to Q…but that was over. The days he could do that had passed, he had effectively ended the relationship himself, but somehow his mind lingers on the desire for home.

James, up till that thought, had been sitting silently on the bed in his hotel, but the bubbling laughter that escapes him is half crazed from the burgeoning hysteria he can feel. He had known his love for Q, he hadn’t counted on his broken psyche to, for the first time in his adult life, sincerely consider a lover’s place home. His mind won’t accept the thought that his presence could effectively fade from Q’s life, but he also knows it’ll be a long, broken road back into Q’s life because of a realization that came too late.

James could move on from Q. He could fall into the arms of other lovers, he could choose to remain a 00 until he is either forced to retire or killed in action and move on from Q just to protect him from himself. But…but James thinks of Q and thinks of home and that gives him hope that the two of them might actually work. For the first time he has hope that a lover can be more and even the thought of being away from Q for too long or never having his friendship back hurts.

For once, every path James sees going forward, is leading back to Q and him together, a place where he felt like he belonged. He might be a little under the influence of alcohol, so he doubted any of the reasoning would make sense to Q if he tried to explain now, but when he got home he wanted to try. He missed Q and was anxious to get back, has to get back to him and hopefully show his lover there is nothing he wouldn’t do to return to him.


	5. Without You

Q had thought he had known loneliness before James. He thought he knew what it meant to be alone and be okay with that. It didn’t compare to the emptiness he felt now that James was no longer invading aspects of his life he hadn’t even realized had slowly become important to him. He hadn’t known that loneliness could feel so much worse once you knew what it felt like to have someone who was willing to just be there.

He ached in remembrance and wondered if this was true loneliness. He could barely return to his place. He wasn’t afraid, not truly. Being alone might be a daunting prospect, but he had faced it before and could do it again, it just wasn’t the same.

Before, he hadn’t known James. Before, he hadn’t known what it was like to have someone in his life that could fill all the little unknown spaces he hadn’t realized were empty to begin with. Before, it had been 007 and Q, but now, Q had known James and would have to move forward without him. He could feel an echo of hurt from the thoughts that left behind. 

He sighed as he took to walking and wandering when not at MI6. Q knew he was subconsciously avoiding the place he had spent too much time with James. He couldn’t get rid of it, but it hurt him to stay. So he wandered areas far from home unsure of where to go or what he should do.

Q thought about earlier how he had turned James away when he asked if they could talk. Q didn’t think he was ready for that. The hurt James had given him still too fresh, too new in his mind without even considering what the new aspects of hurt that being alone was doing to him. Thinking back on it now though…James had looked hurt, hurt by his refusal to talk and that made Q feel lower even than he felt when he was under the weight of guilt for the incident with Silva. By turning away James he did the one thing he had never wanted to do and hurt him.

It made Q feel sick, he almost wanted James to hurt him back, but he was already hurting because of James. Hurting because of nothing, Q huffed a laugh at himself. Hurting because James didn’t say anything to a sometimes lover that he left in the cold sheets after having sex. Hurting because the man didn’t say goodbye and they never talked about what they were of all things.

It felt like he was falling, like Icarus. He had an idea and built it up in his mind, those were his wax wings. The longer he had James, the closer he flew to the sun. James leaving and there never being an exchange of words of what they were or anything about their relationship at all destroyed the idea, melted the wax. Now he was being burned by the melting wax, watching it fall from him as he fell from the sky.

Alone.

No one would catch him.

He didn’t have friends who knew him well enough to try. He had hoped if he ever fell, maybe James would be there. Maybe, James would make that choice, to be there for him, to return his feelings, but that hope was crushed the night James walked out.

Yet James came to him, not as 007 but as James and asked to talk. James had look vulnerable and asked if they could speak somewhere private. Q sighed. He’s still so far from home and not sure where to go from here. 

Without James, Q knows he won’t be okay. If he turns James away he’ll only wonder what James had wanted to talk about and maybe if something could come of it. He’s not afraid of being lonely…but maybe he won’t have to be.


	6. Loveless

James had been cruising around for a while, slowing when he caught sight of Q who was far from where he should be. Looking at the dash, it was late, well early in the morning, but still past the time Q should have made it home to rest.

“Q?”

The man startled and James almost felt bad about calling out to him, but the cold and how ill-dressed for the weather Q was kept his doubts at bay.

“James? What are you doing here?” Q asked incredulously.

James shot him a wry smile. “I believe that is my question. What are you doing walking around so early? Shouldn’t you be home with the terrors?”

Q sighed in exasperation. “They aren’t terrors, they’re cats. You can hardly blame them for shedding on your suits when you bring it on yourself by spoiling them.”

“You didn’t answer the question Quartermaster.”

“I suppose I didn’t.”

James sighed. “Would you like a ride home?”

Q fiddled with something in his pocket and James almost flinched at the thought of another rejection from Q today. “That’d be most welcome, James.”

It wasn’t forgiveness, it wasn’t the talk he wanted to have, but it was a step and James is grateful for that. Q got into the car and he started making his way to the residential area where Q lived in silence.

“James?”

“Yes, Q?”

“Would you…Do you want to talk now?”

James hesitated. “This probably isn’t the best time. It’s a long overdue conversation that will probably end up being a long conversation.”

“…you mean about us?” Q hesitantly offers, his voice sounding rather small.

James couldn’t help sighing. “Yes.”

“Oh.”

The rest of the drive passes in silence, James turning the car off and turning towards Q to ask a question only for Q to turn to him and ask, “Would you like to come up and talk now? I kind of doubt either of us will be getting much sleep tonight regardless.”

“If that’s okay with you,” James answers, he doesn’t want to push Q, doesn’t want to ask for anything more than Q is willing to offer, even if that’s just friendship.

Q nods and leads the way.

By the time they’re sitting on Q’s sofa with some tea between them, James isn’t sure where to start the conversation, but Q takes notices and has a question of his own anyway. “James?”

“Yes, Q?”

“Why did you leave the way you did?”

“I…I’m not going to lie Q, being with you terrifies me sometimes and I have had some doubts, about you, about me, about us, but when I left, I left knowing I was leaving one of the best things in my life because I’m terrified you’ll end up dying and leaving me alone like everyone else I care about. I’m terrified of holding your dead body in my arms and knowing it will more than likely be my fault.”

Q wants to hate James for making that decision for him. He wants to be angry and upset, but coming from James who held two of the women he cared for in his arms at their deaths, he can’t. Knowing James history of betrayal and knowing his need to push people away because he might be the cause of their pain just makes Q’s heart ache for James.

“I can’t promise that won’t happen. We both work for MI6, we both have enemies, and we both know the risks…” Q started, “But because we both know the risks we can prepare for what might come.”

James nods in agreement. “I know you can’t promise not to die, Q. I wouldn’t make you promise that.”

“You being gone wouldn’t change the fact that we’ll both have to face threats in the future,” Q commented. “What made you decide to come back and talk to me?”

“I realized that for the first time in my life when I thought of coming back to England and I thought of home, I thought of you and your place, and for the first time I had hope that whatever we were, be it lovers or friends, might actually last,” James admitted. “I thought of you and how I left and felt terrible knowing I probably hurt you because I want to protect you from myself and my self-destructive tendencies. I thought of you moving on without me, without ever knowing if you thought of us as friends at the very least, and it was unbearable because I love you.”

“Oh, _James_ ,” Q breathed. The sincerity, the complete honesty, James had torn down every wall and made himself vulnerable to Q. He opened up and left himself open for hurt or whatever else Q may choose and that more than anything else reassured Q that maybe they could have _something_.

“Q,” James continued, “when I’m with you I feel like I belong somewhere and that’s something I haven’t felt in so long that I had forgotten what that could mean. The fact you always seem to know just what to say when you talk to me or what to do when you’re with me…there’s so many little things that I hope will never change because they helped me realize that I love you.”

This…this achingly sweet, sweet confession made Q glad he held on to a small fraction of hope. Q could feel his heart swelling with love for this broken, beautiful man who was _healing_. Q chanted his name like a mantra, as he put his cup down and reached out, cupping James’ face as he leaned forward and kissed him.

“I love you, I love you, I love you,” Q breathed between kisses.

James gently moved so that his own hand was cradled over Q’s and the other was caressing Q’s face in return. “I know I hurt you, but you’ve been with me through my worst and more, Q. If you were to walk away I honestly think my life would be loveless, because no one will know me or understand me like you do. Maybe you can’t promise me you won’t die or that it won’t be my fault, but if this love doesn’t last forever, promise that we can take a pause and think back to this moment, this moment where we’ve both confessed and we feel like our love will last forever.”

“Okay.” Q smiled and kissed James again. They would probably have to take things slowly, rebuild, but going forward their relationship would only get stronger. James was right after all, they had seen each other during some of their worst moments. If they could make it through that they could make it through anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As a belated note on this story, I wrote it while I had a headache and was multitasking in a time frame of 6 or so hours. Obviously I missed a few things that come off as grammatically incorrect, so any help fixing my minor mishaps are entirely welcome as is any feedback. I appreciate constructive criticism, not blatant demeaning of my work that won't help me improve. There wasn't much dialogue or scenery in general in this story because the focus was reflective on the characters inner turmoil and their emotional states and is actually part of an experimental writing style on my part.


End file.
